What Is a Youth Pastor to Do?
I write this post with a heavy heart in search of some guidance and some advice.
In my ministry, there is a student that Kelly and I have poured ourselves into over the last 16 or so months. She has come along way, too. We meet with her regularly for 2-on-1 mentoring, we have her over frequently simply to hang out with us, and we have effectively become a second family to her. She has even decided to follow God’s call on her life into either nursing or Youth Ministry, and as a result she is serving in an internship with me for credit as a High School Senior. All of this is good stuff. But here is where it gets sticky.
Every few weeks she slips into a “fight and flight” mentality, partly because she is afraid to get so close to other people. Her first (only) instinct is to lash out at the people who care about her. And every time it happens we come back together, all is forgiven, and we begin anew. This time, she is upset at Kelly for not leaving her a MySpace post to wish her a happy birthday on Wednesday. It is true, Kelly did not forget this student’s birthday, but she was not as intentional as she could have been. And she attempted to apologize to this student. The student then proceeded to throw it back in her face. We have worked with her on the concept of grace, and have forgiven a LOT of crap (a lot. Truly horrible things). Yet she still does not extend any grace to us.
So here is my dilemma. I cannot work with her as an intern (there is a possibility to extend her internship into the summer) if she is going to disrespect me (her site supervisor) every few weeks. Today she decided to throw all of the 30 Hour planning back at me and storm out, ignoring my requests to come back and talk. I have had to remove her from some of her other responsibilities tonight as a result. She was supposed to give a talk at our weekly outreach event, and I could not in good conscience allow her to stand in front of students and make a hypocrite out of herself (her talk was on looking past the garbage that sometimes defines us in life).
This morning I attempted to bring some concerns to her concerning her attitude when dealing with students, specifically with 30 Hour Famine students. She has a tendency to come across as very rude, short, impatient and condescending when interacting with them, and thus far has attempted to run the event as a dictator. She has routinely ignored advice from both myself and Kelly, and is on the verge of driving herself and the event into the ground. I addressed these concerns and informed her that some of the other adults on the leadership team have brought these concerns to me as well. She interpreted that as people were talking behind her back about her and expecting her to fail, and has decided to just give up.
I know I wear many different hats with her, and that is a part of the problem. So what is a Youth Pastor to do here?
I don’t know your whole situation. But if your seeing a pattern with this girl where she is fine for weeks and all of a sudden a switch goes on and she is different, it may be more serious than just a attitude problem. Again, this is from the outside looking in, only knowing what i read. But do you know much about her family history, or does she have a lot of personal baggage. Who could be dealing with a girl with some emtional and even mental damage.
If that’s true leadership for her isn’t her biggest priority right now. I have dealt with a close relationship like this. And the first step is the person asking some hard questions to them selves. Like why do I act like this? is this how i want to act? Is it something I can change on my own, or do i need professional help to sort out my issues. Sometimes Christians can be naive and think there isn’t any mental problems. We think prayer will solve everything, and it can. But sometimes there has to be a practical step too, maybe counseling.
As her youth pastor you have a huge job on your shoulders, not just to raise teenagers up for Christ, but to do whatever you can to improve one of your kids lives. Even if it hurts for a time. You have one of the toughest jobs in the world, I admire people in ministry.
I will also put you in my prayers tonight. For this girl, and for you and your wife. Keeping investing kids lives, it;s the best thing you can do.
Thanks, Think…
Your words are true. Kelly and I have tried to gently push her towards some professional help, in part because we do know what her home life and her past are like. In part, because her issues and problems have outgrown our own expertise. But the instant the owrds are out of our mouths, she simply shuts down.
Thank you for your prayers, both for us and for her, and for your encouragement!
I agree that maybe some professional encouragement might be in order.
As for your responsibility, I don’t think you should sacrifice the effectiveness of the entire youth ministry for the sake of one person. This “attitude” (or whatever it is) will definitely catch up with her later in real life if it goes unaddressed, only then it’ll cost her a job and maybe her family. No sense beating around the bush now. If it were me, I’d talk with her frankly about the situation, about the expectations you have and the character traits that are needed from anyone in a church leadership position (especially if you made these clear up-front before the internship started). I think you gotta wear your youth pastor hat and look out for the ministry first, even if it costs you the relationship. Ultimately she belongs to the Lord and this might be the time to release her to Him.
I agree fully with Tim – your job is to be the leader of a whole group of people, and sometimes that means having very direct confrontational conversations with students or leaders (or student-leaders).
Just last week I had to confront a student about respect and submission. He blew it up. He made it much bigger than it was, but as the pastor, I had to be firm, because his personal issue with respect is between him and the Lord, but I cannot allow his attitude to destroy what the Lord is doing in our community.
Paul’s charge to the Ephesian elders in Acts 20:28 – “So guard yourselves and God’s people. Feed and shepherd God’s flock—his church, purchased with his own blood—over which the Holy Spirit has appointed you as elders…”
As pastors we are in the business of creating healthy communities, which then produce and foster healthy individuals.
Keep up the great work! I will be praying for you. (and I mean that)
oh man, just think how her presence impacts all the ministry and the kids man. She does NOT belong to the team and has to be trained and cared for!
i meant leadership team.you gotta let her go of leadership responsibilities.as well as set the BOUNDARIES with her.She’ll spoil all the good you have, if you won’t teach her to be responsible for her actions.get her a counselor … she gotta serious crap goin’ on … who knows what